Finals man

I regret to inform the billions and billions of fans that currently read and enjoy this blog, that I have been neglectful of my blog-child. I'm sure you are already aware, since I know that there are just hordes of people rushing to their computers every morning to check what magical madness has sprouted from my brain. I apologize to anyone who has lounged across there living room, knocking over any and all furniture/people/wild animals in their path, and made it to this wonderful blog only to find that nothing has been changed in the last 3 months. I was going to post a comical picture illustrating my neglect of my poor, poor blog-child, but then I, like the idiot I am, googled neglect and am now scarred for all eternity. Instead, I have decided that I will give you the beginning to a wonderful story, and you will follow this link, or this one, which ever strikes your artistic fancy. My plan is to give you all something to think about, hoping to teach you a little about yourself, or just give you a reason to let your mind wander, either way, I've decided that I'm not going to give you a beginning to a story because I'm lazy. I'm going to try very hard to post more often, but again, I'm an idiot and I forget which in case you were not aware, is code for "I don't care about you guys, so you can go chew on bears ear."

Long post is loooooonng

On 9/11 my English teacher had my class write a free verse poem about war, I was asked to type it and share it, so here goes.

Bright yellow desert,

spanning as far s the eye can see.

The sun, rising overhead,

heat waves dancing across the sand

Silhouettes of a team of soldiers

Carrying a wounded brother across the hellish heat.

The soldier,

a poor man,

a bullet in his leg.

bleeding out across the desert.

The scent of gunpowder,

still clinging to their ragged fatigues.

Ringing in their ears,

the sounds of battle, and cries of men.

Heavy breathing, the men exhausted in the beating sun.

The team rests.

Laying for quite sometime.

They would drink, had they any water.

Dry lungs, draws in more dust than air.

The men cough,

forcing out the horrid, scorching dust.

Across the horizon,

miles away,

an encampment lies.

The occupants eagerly await.

Waiting, waiting for the return of their fellow soldier

A Lieutenant, standing on a milk crate,

peering out across the desert.

Sending out flares,

in hopes the lost team will see.

Suddenly, a lout burst, and another, and another.

Signaling the group still alive.

Soldiers cheering, yelling for the friends.

The lieutenant pointing off into the distance

signaling a humvee to collect the men.

The lost teams salvation,

creeping across the desert.

The lost team, stumbling across the desert after the flare,

like that of the three wise men.

A cloud of dust.

The slight hum of an engine.

The team's savior tops the hill

The mens minds full with thoughts.

Thoughts of life, of home, and of family.

Don't judge I know it's bad.

Surprise!!

Alright guys, its time to take a break from routine and bring a post that I hope you will all enjoy. It will not make you laugh, at least I hope it doesn't but then again, I know the kind of people who would enjoy this blog.... and..... yeah whatever. A friend of mine has made it known to me that she has been struggling through some rough times at school and throughout her day recently. It seems, that apparently their are actually perfect people in this world. Can you believe that? Man, technology these days sure has come along way when we can create people who have absolutely nothing wrong with them. Throughout my life, I've been bullied and I've been judged, because as you all don't know, I have a bit of a weight problem. But, I have no social skills whatsoever, and these people the "perfect people" I was speaking about, they've called me names they've teased me, I fortunately have never been beaten up because of it, and to those who have, I am truly sorry, I wish only the best for you. But the people who view themselves as perfect, and illustrate it by pointing out the "flaws" in others, they are the weird ones, they are the ones who need to change, not the people being bullied. In my life, I've learned that normal is a relative term, in the context of people, normal means nothing, a "normal person" is like an armadillo with wings..... they don't exist. As someone who gets bullied, look around at your life, see the people who see themselves as normal, see he they act, and realize that they are jealous, they are jealous of the confident people, they wish to be like you. They wish they had the confidence that you do. Thats why they put you down, they think if they break you they win. Never let them win. Don't give up, never wish yourself to be anything other then who you are.

Trying something different.

              I haven't really posted anything on my own in a while. And to be quite honest, I have no idea what I should blog about this time. But, I thought I'd just type until I can't stand it anymore and get up to make some popcorn and pass out while watching Fight Club. This might suck, and this might be pretty awesome...Either way, it's the best I can do so far, and it's not like many people read this anyway, so who's counting? Anyway, here I am in my mildly uncomfortable chair listening to Alice In Chains, with that gnawing voice in the back of my head telling me that I should be doing something else. I'm not getting any ideas, just feel like I should be doing something besides this. Don't know why...Can't explain it, but oh well. I'll stay right here until I figure out what it is I should be doing. But odds are, by then it'll be too late. So I imagine I'll simply fall into bed, and sleep until the late morning. Eat some ramen, go work out, then work my shift at Subway and come right back here to my chair. My own personal little command center. Seriously, I've got this computer I'm typing at, my stereo right above that, my phone on the desk in front of me, and an Ipad on the bed behind me playing something like 5FDP, Pantera, Nonpoint...You get the idea. Hang on, be right back. I do believe I hear a sandwich calling.

                                                 >>> Exactly 8 minutes and 34 seconds later<<<

               Aaahhh! Grilled cheese!! Who doesn't love a delicious grilled cheese sandwich every now and then? Or, I guess, three in my case. But, I couldn't find any tomato soup! Everybody knows that grilled cheese is ALWAYS better with tomato soup. Know what else goes good with tomato soup? Bacon! Bacon goes good with anything. There does not exist a meal that would not be improved with the addition of bacon. Fried eggs? Check! Spaghetti? Check! Birthday cake? Check! Any other cake? Hmmm...NOPE!! If it's not a birthday cake, then what's the point? With birthday cake, then there's candles and icecream, and a small chance that there is a huge pile of presents that you get to unwrap later on. But if it's just a regular cake, then there is none of these amazing things of which I have just spoken. Err, typed...Whatever!! But I'm thinking this year for my birthday I want a pie. Actually, A couple of pies. A Pumpkin pie, and a cherry pie! Because everybody does cake, and I love pie! But since they appear to be a seasonal food, I can only ever find them between the months of November and January...Which SUUUUCKS!! That's why I love the holiday season so much. I've got Halloween exactly 7 days before my Birthday, then there's Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years!! So much candy and food and gifts and letters and relatives and...Actually, I just remembered why I'm so relieved when the season is over. SO...MUCH...OF...EVERYTHING!! It's like, On Thanksgiving, you make a ham, turkey, or both. Then you make sandwiches out of those leftovers until Christmas. Then you make sandwiches out of THOSE leftovers until Easter. Not that I don't absolutely adore sandwiches, but enough is enough.


         Hey!! I just had a thought! What if for some reason civilization collapsed and all the electricity, water, and internet just stopped working. Right now. Forever. With no chance of getting turned back on. How long would it take for people to begin looting and pillaging? For the first week or so I'm sure we'd all just kind of do our best to maintain our routines as best we can. But what about when we realize that our lives are probably never going back to normal? How far would people go to survive? Would gun store owners board themselves up and cling to their stock in the hopes that stuff starts working again, or would they switch themselves into survival mode and begin trading weapons and ammo for things such as food, boots, etc. Would supermarket owners hoard all their food and lock themselves away, or would they begin trading their canned goods for things such as guns and ammo? And as for your average white-collar working man. What would he do? His lifestyle thus far has depended on electricity, gasoline, and the internet. Odds are he's never fired a gun in his life. Never had to argue over something. Never been in a fight. Would he cower in his room and hope for a swift and painless death, or would he improvise? He's got this huge briefcase that used to hold reports. Now it can hold ammo, knives, first-aid kit, and enough food for a couple of days. Maybe he'd act on instinct and do whatever benefits him the most in each situation he is confronted with, or maybe he'd stay in "Civilized" mode and get eaten by his neighbors. Either way, it doesn't matter what happens to him, because if he dies, it meant something else survived. The other guy just wanted to survive more than our "Joe" wanted to survive. How far would you go to survive? What would you do to ensure your survival and the survival of your family, if you happen to have one. Would YOU allow yourself to die, if it meant your daughter would live? Even if you did sacrifice yourself, what if she doesn't want survival as much as a hungry coyote she encounters, and you're no longer there to protect her? Think about this stuff. It's relevant. It just might happen one of these days.


             Wow! That was pretty impressive. I had no idea there was so much I wanted to say. Well, I hope you all enjoyed reading my thoughts as I was actively thinking them. And if you didn't, no fair complaining, because nobody forced you to read this far   :D
       
             Well, I'm off to bed. I think. Maybe I'll make that popcorn I was talking about earlier. Hmmm...That reminds meee...

Anyone else ever feel like this?

I was thinking today. Many bands are similar. In fact, many bands today, are (in some respects) modern versions of older bands. Not exactly alike, but very similar to each other in several ways. Almost like doppelgangers in those “Parallel Universe” movies.  So, here is what I think that an assortment of older bands would have been if they were around today.

1.       

      Alice Cooper = Marilyn Manson. They each wore outrageous costumes, sing about sex and drugs, and generally being terrible humans and having the time of their life!

2.      Nazareth = Audioslave. Each one sounds EXACTLY alike the other as far as drum beats, guitar distortion and riffs, and the singers high/scratchy voice.

3.      Tears for Fears = Muse. Similar integration of electronic into otherwise rock style music.

4.      David Bowie = 3 OH! 3. Tried too damn hard.

5.      Nine Inch Nails = Nine Inch Nails. Been around since the 80s, still going strong :D

6.      Clash = Jet. They both always sing about just having fun. You can’t listen to their music without wanting to get up on your feet and do a little soft-shoe.

7.      Pink Floyd = Tool. ‘Nuff said!!

8.      Van Halen = Five Finger Death Punch. Edgy/loud styles of playing, pretty hard metal for their time, and really cared about their fans.

9.      Black Sabbath = Avenged Sevenfold. Both sing about the Bible, God, Satan, Heaven/Hell, always seemed to side with Satan and Hell.

10.  The Eagles = Guster. Mostly acoustic, generally nice styles of playing, always pleasant to listen to.

11.  Gorillaz = Depeche Mode. Successfully odd mix of various genres consisting of electronic, rock, and sampling.

12.  Skinny Puppy = Dope. Both hit the metaphorical “industrial nail” RIGHT on the head, with an absolutely flawless combination of synth, metal, screaming, and rap.

13.  Motley Crue = Black Tide. Alright, I know most of you probably haven’t heard of Black Tide, but go listen to them for a while, and you’ll see why.

14.  AC/DC = Buckcherry. Both pretty much southern rock that most people enjoy listening to. I don’t care for AC/DC, but they are very similar to Buckcherry.

15.  Metallica = Drowning Pool. Each sang about killing EVERYONE! And no matter who you are, your parents hate both of them.

16.  Ted Nugent = Pantera. No, not because Pantera covered “Catch Scratch Fever”, but because they’re both southern metal that just loves to play.

17.  Beastie Boys = Limp Bizkit. Very successful rap bands that were actual bands, not just one guy. And they’re both good at TASTEFULLY rapping about sex, drugs and generally not having a care in the world.

18.  Def Leppard  = Saliva. Pretty good for their times, not everyone’s heard of either, but those who have really enjoy just about everything they play.

19.  Talking Heads = KoRn. Just…Seriously…WTF?!

20.   Huey Luis and the News = Blink 182. Come on, it’s fun to listen to!

21.  Credence Clear-Water Revival = 3 Days Grace. Yeah, you just gotta trust me on this one…

22.  Blackfoot = Trapt. Who?

23.  Steppenwolf = Emphatic. I love them both, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t find their albums in any store.

24.  The Police = Green Day. Annoying as HELL!!

25.  The Beatles = Disturbed. I know, that’s a stretch, but hear me out. Everybody knows both, most people love both, regardless of whatever music you primarily listen to, odds are  there’s at least 3-4 songs that you know and love.

It's October!

Yay! Everyone loves October, except people who don't..... Anyway, basic overview of this month. Pretty cool post coming in a few days that my brother and I have been writing for a while, might put out one about zombies, and I'm not sure what I should write my PSA about, so comments? if I use your idea, you won't get any kind of reward, but it will be like a internet-highfive and I will mention you at the end of the post letting people know that your some kind of genius blogging robot of knowledge or whatever. Also puuuleeeezzz follow us on twitter, the more followers we have, the more inclined I will be to "tweet(?)" more often, and the more often you will see blog posts, so it helps everyone when you follow us, because everyone loves new blog posts, check us out. See you all around, stay on drugs don't do school, or something

The start of something new

Boredom!

Boredom, is God's way of saying "Get off your lazy posterior and go jogging or read a book and maybe learn something." But, if you are reading this you are aware of the fact that I have found a loophole in this system, I am neither learning or getting any healthier sitting here writing this, I'm not even getting paid for this, so why do I do it? Boredom, that's why.

Boredom in the Workplace

Often people become bored when they are forced to spend 8 hours a day using a computer in an obscenely huge cubicle farm, with a boss that has similar qualities to this:

Synergy? Isn't that the new Chinese restaurant down the street?

As a lowly naive high school student, I have not yet entered the professional world, as such, I honestly have no idea what I'm talking about, but I do have a part time job, but it involves manual labor in a condition with no A/C or an office fridge. So I believe I have the right to gripe.

Boredom in School

School, in my opinion, is to much, to often, for to long. Let me "Splain" as my English teacher would say. (I'm pretty sure a english teacher saying "Splain" is the equivalent to a preacher saluting hitler, but lets not dwell on the negatives) School, as I said before, to much, to often, for to long, I have come to this conclusion because of several reasons:

• School lasts on average between 6 and 7 hours out of the day
• They often start anywhere from 7:00 to 8:00 (My school starts at 8:00)
• School generally consists of 8 Periods, each about 45 minutes to an hour long, I think, this is too much information being taken in at one time from too many different directions to efficiently learn anything.
• School ruins your day. My High School lets out at 3:30 every day, the buses run, and I am not home until 4:00 4:30, Athletics is last period, so I am routinely exhausted when I get home, so I know have exactly 5 hours to rejuvenate before I must sleep, I say 5 hours because if I do not fall asleep by 9:30, I will fall asleep walking from class to class.

"Wait, what does that have to do with boredom?" ooh you clever guy! I have yet to mention boredom, because of this influx of information coming from 8 different subjects in the course of hours, your mind decides that it doesn't want to play nice anymore, so it shuts off, and decides that the little shoe scuff on the floor is the most important thing in the room and your mind must focus on it. Trent Reznor could walk in and start handing out free dark chocolate, and your mind would not let you take your eye off of the mark on the floor. I think schools should aim more into the "Learn what you enjoy" type of learning. I enjoy computers, engines, and taking things apart, I plan to attend MIT and get a degree in Mechanical Engineering, because of my goals in life, I don't really need to know that the land between the Tigris and Euphrates River is called Mesopotamia, or that FDR created the New Deal. I mean sure, its good to know about the history of your country and the geography of the world, so you don't look like a complete idiot, but really, theres a point where if you are showing no promise in becoming a cartographer or archeologist, where you could lean into more fitting subjects.

Boredom at Home

Picture this: You made it through high school without having a mental breakdown, you've been at some crappy community college for a while now. Not long enough to have made any friends, but long enough to where you can easily come up with an excuse to live in your parents house for a few days. You call your parents, there on a cruise to alaska and won't be home for 2 weeks! So you have free reign of the house. The first few thoughts that run through your head are "Party" "Booze" "Good Time" and then you remember that you have no friends, and your girlfriend is 1200 miles away at another college actually preparing for life in the future. So, for the first 3 days you sit around, catch up on some Mythbusters that your parents have on their DVR, eating ramen noodles. Then you look to your left, you see a pile of crushed Mountain Dew cans, you look to the left and see a bag of Cheetos on the floor, spilling over, the chips falling over at that awkward point where ou think they will stay if you pick up the bag, but 35 little shafts of cheese will come blasting out at the slightest touch. You see all this, and you think to yourself "What am I doing? I have nothing to do, no job no responsibilities, nothing." So, you grab your keys and head for the door, you drive around for 45 minutes looking for some cheesy sports bar. You finally find one that doesn't look like Satan himself is managing it and you go in buy a few drinks, and the next thing you know, you're passed out on the floor in a puddle of your own pee/vomit(You neither know nor care) When you finally wake up, your head is splitting like a quart of firewood, and the sound of your socked feet almost silently falling on the wood floor of your parents bathroom is like a C-130 full of prison inmates, and you decide you will never do that again. Then 3 or 4 days later, the cycle starts over, until you go back to college and those lulls where there is nothing? There is homework and sucking up to teacher. There is no known cure to boredom in the home, except for you know, starting a blog and complaining about, which seems to work alright for me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boredom is no joke, it is a serious problem, that needs to be researched and cured. Wether or not that is possible is debatable, but until a decision is made, I recommend you to read my blog, comment, follow me on twitter, and tell every, single, one of your facebook friends, in person, about my blog. That right there should take about quite a bit of your time. Have fun, and don't forget to drink plenty of water, I defiantly don't need my free advertising falling into an everlasting slumber* on me.

*I used those colorful words because I for the life me cannot figure

out how to spell the -ing form of the word die, don't you just love English?

TWITTER!!!

I have created a twitter account. Not quite sure how it works yet, so if there are some tweets that look like something that sounds like something a paraplegic orangoutang would say, I apologize. So go follow us, and you'll get little mini-blog posts everyone now and then.

Monthly PSA's

From this point forward, I will try to write a comical PSA about random business AT LEAST one a month, sometimes I my write 2 or 3 a month, but you will get at least 1 a month, the first one should be up in a few days.

UPDATE: also, if anyone one of the billions upon millions of people who read and enjoy our blog, I would like to ask you guys what you would like to enjoy to read so that you will continue to read, so any way..... feedback?

The Bro Code

          The Bro Code: 101 rules on how to not be a complete tool
1) A Bro will leave at least one empty urinal between him and anyone else.
2) A Bro may wear pink shirts on three conditions: 1. Collar will never be "popped".  2. It will not say "Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, Hurley, ETC.". 3. It will have long sleeves and buttons from top to bottom.
3) A Bro may only ask another Bros EX out with said Bros permission.
4) A Bro will not wear socks with sandals....one or the other, seriously guys.
5) A Bro will not "diss" the U.S. Military.
6) A Bro will not drink anything "virgin" unless he is either the designated driver, or under 21.
7) A Bro will not weigh more than 300 pounds...come on dude, that's just sad...
8) A Bro will not wear crocs, snuggies, or shutter shades.
9) A Bro will not say any video-game sequel is "The Greatest Game Ever" until at least 2 months after its release.
10) A Bro will NEVER name his bi-ceps, or refer to them as "guns".
11) A Bro should at least once in his life have watched The Watchmen, Fight Club, and Blade Runner.
12) A Bro will not treat Guitar Hero as if he is in a real band.
13) A Bro will not buy c.d.s, movies, games, etc. and leave them unopened for more than 2 weeks.
14) A Bro will not wear hats with flat brims.
15) A Bro will not wear normal hats cocked on the back of his head like a yamaka.
16) A Bro will not use Myspace.
17) A Bro will not rent a chick flick unless his wife or girlfriend specifically requests it.
18) A Bro will support less gun control.
19) A Bro may listen to Limp Bizkit, as long as he knows more of their songs than Break Stuff and Rollin'.
20) A Bro will not enjoy fruity drinks if they are less than 100 proof.
21) A Bro MUST maintain a healthy respect for women. No "kitchen" jokes fellas, I thought we were above that.
22) A Bro will not enlist in the Military for the sole purpose of "Dude, I'm gonna be SOOOO bad-ass!!"
23) A Bro will not own a dog smaller than his torso, unless it belongs to his wife, girlfriend, etc.
24) A Bro will not "forget his wallet" when dining out with friends.
25) A Bro will not enjoy the Star Wars prequel trilogy more than the original.
26) A Bro will learn and remember there, their, and they're.
27) A Bro will know more than Chopsticks, should he claim to play Piano.
28) A Bro will not argue in the comments of ANY Youtube video.
29) A Bro must be able to laugh at himself, take a joke, and not be offended by racism if told in a joking manner, unless the perpetratior will not shut up about it.
30) A Bro will not use Cocaine, Marijuana, Dope, or anything else that you snort, shoot, or smoke, with the exception of tobacco.
31) A Bro WILL use some form of birth control...come one dudes, show some responsibility.
32) A Bro should enjoy watching stupid kiddie movies with his children, neices/nephews, children of fellow Bros, or younger siblings.
33) A Bro will not turn down a request to be another Bros "Best Man", unless he has something else HUGE to attend. (Funeral, Business trip, other wedding).
34) A Bro will know how to change a tire.
35) A Bro will NOT under ANY circumstances, allow the woman to pay for the meal.
36) A Bro should not be ashamed to repair his clothes via sewing them himself.
37) A Bro will be expected to get his friends/girlfriends/wifes back, and will be expected to kick some ass if the other guy hits first.
38) A Bro will not fart in an elevator.
39) A Bro will be frugal with cologne, and NEVER substitute it for a daily shower.
40) A Bro will have a working knowledge of the english langauge and the grammar that comes with it.
41) A Bro will not say LOL, OMG, or any other text-acronym in a spoken conversation.
42) A Bro must know how to cook more than eggs and ramen, and even those must be on a stove...none of this microwave crap.
43) A Bro will have at least one hobby that involves leaving his home (jobs qualify).
44) A Bro will not be afraid of needles, dentists, or the dark. (hating those things is fine, but don't be scared of them like a wuss)
45) A Bro will know how to set up a chess board.
46) A Bro will not hesitate to help somebody who is being mugged, robbed, carjacked, raped, or a woman who he knows is in a physically abusive relationship.
47) A Bro will not cut in line, and will not tolerate being cut in front of.
48) A Bro will not sneak food into theaters.
49) A Bro will admit when he is wrong.
50) A Bro will not drive anything smaller than a Ford Focus, unless he has no choice and is activley searching for a new car.
51) A Bro will not use "tight" or "wicked" as adjectives...this is no longer 1998 guys.
52) A Bro will not pay more than 6 dollars for coffee.
53) While we're on the subject of coffee, A Bro will also not have more milk/sugar than actual coffee per cup.
54) A Bro will not re-gift.
55) A Bro will not show off his iphone at every opportunity...guys, it's been long enough, everybodies got one now, and those who don't own one know exactly what they are capable of.
56) A Bro will not drink to the point of being cut off by the bartenders.
57) A Bro will own enough tools to maintain standard upkeep of his home.
58) A Bro will not use Tae-Bo as a method of excercise.
59) A Bro will NOT under ANY circumstances be a "Topper".
60) A Bro may draw on his friends if they fall asleep, but please, for the love of whatever deity you pray to, don't cut his hair.
61) A Bro will never say the following phrases: "I knew about them before they were popular", "*whatever* is too mainstream", "No Man, I don't like MMA", or "Can you help me with my yoga stances".
62) A Bro will accept homosexuals as humans, and will treat them as such, because that is what they are.
63) A Bro needs 3 things in his shower. A bar of soap, a bottle of hair shampoo, and a bottle of conditioner.
64) A Bro will never, for ANY reason, refer to a woman as a "bitch, cunt, ho, or peice of ass".
65) A Bro will not sexile his roommate, and will keep a spare key in the event HE is sexiled.
65) A Bro will gladly give money to a friend without any expectation of being paid back if said friend is in dire straights. Example: Transmission gives out, Mortgage is late (by no fault of his own...if he's just lazy, let him work it out himself), Forgot Anniversary/valentines day/etc.
66) A Bro can go more than two days without making a "That's what she said" joke.
67) A Bro doesn't piss on the toilet seat...either lift the seat, stand closer, or improve your aim.
68) A Bro will not lie about his job in order to get laid.
69) A Bro will not wear his high school letterman jacket around his college campus.
70) A Bro needs 3 sets of footwear. Running shoes, "around town" shoes, and work boots/uniform shoes depending on what "collar" job you have.
71) A Bro will (I cannot stress this one enough) NEVER cheat on his wife/girlfriend, or hit any woman for any reason.
72) A Bro knows when "your mom", racist, sexist, religious, etc.  jokes are acceptable, and when they are not.
73) A Bro will not ridicule another Bro for enjoying "nerdy" things (Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, World of Warcraft, etc.)...You know there are things you enjoy that you hide from everyone else.
74) A Bro will shower at least once every 24 hours, unless he is single and it is the weekend.
75) A Bro will not whine when he loses a bet. You lost. Be a man and pay up.
76) A Bro respects authority, but knows the proper time, place, and method to question it.
77) A Bro should not fart in a vehicle if there is a stop within 10 minutes, or after JUST getting into said vehicle.
78) Bros should inform each other if they are aware of cheating girlfriends/wives.
79) A Bro will pay for his friends cab fare before he will let said friend drive drunk.
80) A Bro will let his friend sit in jail overnight to think things over before bailing him out.
81) Bros don't let Bros order "Just a salad" at a sports bar/grill.
82) Bros will not go to a concert that's not Lynyrd Skynyrd and yell "Freebird!!"
83) Bros may have their ears peirced, but any self respecting Bro should not wear diamond studs.
84) When playing Guitar Hero, Bros should not play drums more than twice without passing them on to the next person in line.
85) Bros don't use speed-dial for anything other than emergency numbers (poison control, 911, etc.).
86) A Bro will not use the Apple Store "Genius Bar" for anything other than light entertainment while his girlfriend looks for an iphone case.
87) If a Bro catches another Bro watching pornography, he should leave the room and never speak of it to anyone. And help his friend find a girlfriend, FAST.
88) A Bro does not need lift kits on ANY vehicle, unless his job/hobby requires it.
89) A Bro should not wear leather pants unless his main mode of transportation is a motorcycle. Not a MoPed, a MOTORCYCLE.
90) Come to think of it, leather jackets are enough leather for ANYONE who doesn't ride a motorcycle.
91) When 2 or more Bros hang out at another Bros home, the t.v. remote belongs to the Bro whos name is on the lease.
92) A Bro will NEVER knowingly hit on a married woman, or someone elses girlfriend.
93) Bros should not carry pictures of their EX in their wallet.
94) A Bro should not turn down free food, then ask for "just a bite" of their friends food.
95) A Bro should never "lead someone on"...be it a wannabe girlfriend, or a loser male who just wants a friend. Either sincerley enjoy their company, or sincerley tell them to bugger off.
96) A Bro knows the difference between a full blown argument, and a genuine exchange of ideas and opinions.
97) A Bro should always strive to be employed.
98) A Bro should not brag about his awesome high school football years to anyone except his grand-children, or unless someone else asks about it.
99) A Bro should never ask a woman out through a text message or her answering machine/voicemail. Either ask her in person, or speak to her on the phone. In person is better though.
100) Bros should appreciatethe simplicity pf Ramen noodles, and not cook Ramen for anyone except other Bros. If you say you'll cook for your girlfriend/wife, you better cook, and you better cook WELL.
101) Bros should never enjoy a meal that doesn't include meat.

I'm baaaaack!!

            So...I've been gone a while. Not that it matters. Nobody ever reads these things anyway. Or, not yet they don't at least. So I saw a funny picture today on one of the websites I visit in my daily repetoire of pages. Here's a link to the picture. It got me thinking. There's plenty of other things that each gender does that unintentionally annoys or baffles the other. So why not identify each one? This is just what I think. If you find yourself being offended, go screw yourself, it's just a joke. But if you find yourself amused, enlightened, or sexually aroused, don't hesitate to say so. So here goes. I'll start with the ladies, because they go first.
                                                                                                                  

Women:
1. Cutting your hair to make it grow
2. Ordering "Just a salad"
3. Going to concerts and sitting down
4. Wearing make-up. (Alright, this one might just be me, but I think that if a woman is pretty, no amount of makeup will make her MORE pretty. If done in excess, it tends to have an opposite effect. But again, that's just me.)
5.Snuggies (nuff said)
6. Asking for directions with your husband/boyfriend present.
7. Enjoying "Fireproof"
8. Having innumerable quantities of different "moisturizing-exfoliating-hair conditioner-stuff in your shower"
9. Cotton Balls (ALWAYS have cotton balls...what are they even for?)
10. Those skin-tight jeans. (I assume ya'll are trying to look your best, but there's is NO WAY that they are comfortable in the LEAST. In my opinion, I like women who are not so self-conscious about how they look, and just like to wear what's comfortable. Once again, that's just my opinion.)

Alright, that wasn't so bad, was it? Everybody angry? No? Good!! Now, here's the OTHER end of the spectrum.

Men:

1. Leaving the toilet seat up.
2. Leaving..."hairs"...in the soap.
3. Wearing underwear more than one day in a row. (I can truthfully say I do not do this if I don't have to, but I have before.)
4. Asking women on dates through text messages. (I do not condone this, and personally, I hate it when my friends do this, but there is a reason, and I think you'll be flattered once I tell you. It's because most guys *that I know* are too intimidated to ask you in person. Ya'll are so pretty, so nice, and you smell good, so we simply try to ask through a medium that lets us keep our heads level and not stutter and stammer through our words.)
5. Enjoying "Watchmen" (To this day, I have never met a woman who enjoys Watchmen. What is so bad about it? It's a great movie, and it's done insanely well. And RORSCHACH!! How can you not love Rorschach?!)
6. Getting mad when our girlfriend/wife wants to ask for directions. (We hate this because it makes us think you don't have faith in us as providers, which hurts on a primitive level. That's right, you offend us from the DNA up.)
7. Video Games
8. Being able to eat literally ANYTHING for ANY meal. (I once ate a chips ahoy/dorrito sandwich for breakfast...take THAT!!)
9. Wearing shorts in February. (They're comfortable, shut up....and when your legs are as hairy as mine, pants are too hot.)
10. Going out at 1 a.m. for whatever. Food run, workout, just plain BORED, etc.


So, 10 a piece. Sound good? Good. Anyway, this is just what gathered from being male. If you think of anything I missed, or would like to argue against one of them, please feel free to tell me what you think.

This post is the most important post you will ever read.

As the co-author of a blog about nothing, usually your posts involve humor, and as such, It helps that I can see humor in random crap. But when you go out of your way to look for things, you will never find them. For example, everyone has played with legos as a kid right? Well, picture this: your trucking along with an awesome spaceship, and then all of the sudden your stumped as to what else to add, its got lasers, its got cannons, its got 15 sets of wings, pretty much everything, but you sit back, take a sip from your juice-box, and know, that somewhere in the thousands of lego pieces you have, there is a piece that would fit perfectly somewhere, and then you remember, that one tiny piece that you got in a set 5 years ago for your birthday, and it would work so well to fill that void on your otherwise perfect spaceship. So you commence the search, fifteen minutes later.... nothing. thirty minutes later.... nothing. Eventually, after about forty-five minutes or so, you decide to just rearrange the pieces on your little battle cruiser, and just live with out it. And then, after you have spent and hour or two fixing your aircraft to function right, you come across in a little cluster in the most obvious place imaginable on this earth, at least 35 of this piece you were trying to find. Then you commence smashing everything around in anger, including the ship you spent so much effort crafting. Then this cycle starts over again, except this time you promise yourself to not spend forty minutes looking for one piece, unless of course, you know, its super important. This ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is why there are so few posts to this blog, because my brother is busy all the time, doing Marine stuff, and I am always trying to hard to write something. I apologize for actually teaching you all a life lesson today instead of just feeding your comedy-addicted brains, but I have been trying to hard to actually write something funny to post, when I just sit down and start typing, something will come out wether the words are pure genius, or utter crap fit only for those who have no sense of humor at all. So, to sum everything up, incase the metaphor was not understood, it's always good to seek out things out, but if you try too hard, you might lose sight of your original goal. Also, I promise my next post will comedic and hilarious, instead of all this "ethics" and "morals" business.

UPDATE:

I made a new logo, felt the other one was too......hostile, so its much nicer now

Hey! You, yeah you!!!

Whoever is reading this blog from germany, maybe post a comment or something? Cause thats pretty cool, I like Germany, that is all.

I think grasshoppers are just terrifying

Alright guys!!! two things dumb crazy lady HERE, and also I am going to start a contest, in the comments section, you will invent a word, it could mean anything. There will be no prize for this contest, because well frankly, I'm broke, but I will mention you in the next post, I will also submit it HERE, unless you want to, but I will do it for you so you can just sit back and enjoy your Cheetos.

<(")

Nostalgia!!

I bet you haven't thought about the cartoon "Recess" in at least a couple of years. *And suddenly, Inception* Well, I just thought that I'd let you know, there are about ten episodes on youtube. Watch them. You owe it to yourself. You know you used to love that show. The movie was pretty cool too. It had that Alice Cooper song, and all the teachers were hippies. Go rent it this weekend.

My Future (Extended)

So as I mentioned in a previous post titled "My Future", I may have said that I didn't like the Westboro Baptist Church. Well, not four days later, my Dad sent me a link to a website with an article and video (http://www.politicususa.com/en/bikers-westboro-baptist) of some Westboro protesters doing what they do best (besides their siblings and horses). They were protesting and chanting and generally making asses of themselves and defaming humanity for the rest of us, until three hundred patriotic bikers showed up. The video just shows the protesters standing around being obnoxious, then you hear some motorcycles show up behind them, and everybody takes off. The bikers were closing in on one fellow, and the 6 or 8 cops that were there, knowing they couldn't handle three hundred bikers, simply had the guy run off, yelling after him to "Run you stupid motherfucker!!" That's right, he turned to the police for help. Funny how they hate americans so much, but when they get scared because somebody doesn't approve of their hatemongering, they don't have any problem asking American uniformed men for help. What's that? Uniformed men? Our protectors and gaurdians at home and abroad? You mean the people that they've spent the last several years protesting the funerals of? So Americans aren't so terrible when Westboro calls on them because they need help, huh? Well, the people of Iraq and Afghanistan need protection from tyrants who are ruling their lives (that's where our soldiers come in), just like the guy I mentioned earlier needed protection from the bikers who wanted to fuck his shit up, and would've been right to do so. While that sinks in, I also saw a news report from Hawaii about a Westboro protest. When the protestors thought that nobody was watching, they weren't doing anything. They just sat there. They laid their signs down, stopped yelling, and confirmed to the world that they are Trollin'. That's all. If they really felt this way, I'd think that they'd keep yelling and hating even when no one was looking. That is how you stand up for your beliefs: Doing what you believe is right, even when you know that nobody is looking or will notice. I'm onto you Phelps'!! (Yes, I'm talking to all of you, because since nobody would consider reproducing with you, you've had to resort to inbreeding). You're nothing but a bunch of Trolls. Fuck you.


This is a song by one of my favorite bands. Listen to the song. It sounds exactly like they are singing to (not about, but to) Westboro Baptist Church.

The Only Working Weight Loss Plan On Earth

Pain, and hunger. Those are required if you really want to lose weight. Who do you think you're kidding with your "eat all you want but still lose 10 pounds a month" diet? How'd that work out for you the first million times you tried it...why on Earth would you think it would work now? I actually heard of one diet where you drink a pregnant womans piss, then excericse, and the combination of chemicals and strain on your body will make you lose weight. IF YOU EXCERCISE YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT!! SAME GOES FOR EATING LESS!! Just quit reading this article, turn off your freaking computer, and go for a bike ride. Get some friends and play football. Anything really, but if you're going to say you need to loseweight, then do it. Quit reading up on these "Miracle Diet Plans", and go run around the block. (without stoping at your favorite bakery). If you would like, leave your email address in the comments and I'll send you the workout that one of the other Future Marines gave me. I've been at it for a week, and it's pretty cool. Remember: pain and hunger. Those two things must be present in order for you to get in shape.

I feel soo.... well rounded

I was looking at the blog stats, and we have had 2 page views from Germany!! And also Alaska, so pretty much the only people reading this are either Nazi's or Commies..... Well, not anymore at least

<(")

I have not retired to the everlasting sleep of death. (yet)

I apologize for not posting in so long. I know the billions of people reading this must have been planning to commit mass suicide any day now, because hey! ho doesn't love good humor. But actually, I haven't simply been neglecting my poor little blog, I honestly, and proudly would like to announce, that good ole' Honest Abe and me have been battling hipsters nonstop for about two weeks now. I hope, that by hearing this I might gain an ounce or two of respect of all of my sooo infinite readers and/or hipster haters, I like to think those to words are synonymous. So just letting you all know, I did not die, I was simply doing my part to eradicate the world of a truly crippling disease. So, I apologize for anyone who has had to go without the words of wisdom from me and my brother for so long, I will try harder to do my part to make time for blogging along with the destroying the evil that is a hipster. Also I will start signing all my posts with a penguin. It will look like this <("). For no other reason than because: 1.It looks awesome,and 2. they are bested in the animal kingdom by only the octopus, which you might have guessed, would be a real pain in the ass to make with letters and numbers. and also I will include a picture I took of Lincoln after he hit his five hundredth mortality.

Achievement Unlocked: 500x Kill Streak

<(")

My Future

I am enlisted in the Marine Corps Delayed Entry Program. That means that once I'm done with high school, it's off to boot camp. School counserelers and friends of my parents ask me where I'm going to college, and I say "I'm not going to college." Then they say "Oh, well then what are you going to do?" When I tell them I'm joining the military, they say "Ooooh" (read: You dumbass, why on earth would you do a thing like that?) Then they tell me to make sure I get a job that will prepare me for civilian life once I get out, and I tell them "I don't plan on getting out." Then they ask me what possessed me to do such a thing. They ask me why I would even want to do this. I tell them that I want to protect their right to be an ignorant bigot who looks down on people like me.

That means you guys too. If you ask me, these are the people that we should be fighting. I swore to "protect the United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic, so help me God." The same God that these guys seem to know so well. I'd say the Westboro Baptist Church counts as a domestic enemy. By the way, "Fuck you, Westboro" will be on my tombstone. See you at my funeral you sons of bitches.

When they ask how I could possibly consider killing another human, I remind them of two things: 1. The radical islamists don't qualify as humans.
2. There is more to the military than infantry jobs. Alot more. In fact, there are more non-infantrymen than there are infantrymen. I picked Airfield Groundcrewman, or Military Police, whichever opens first.



 On a more interesting note, the night before I went to the Military Entrance Processing Station (MEPS) to swear in, my dad came into my room with a really solemn look on his face. He looked at me and said "Daniel, they've been waiting a week to gety the DNA results back". I thought "Oh shit, me and my dad aren't related." Then he told me that Bin Laden was dead, and I was more relieved that me and my dad were related than I was that Bin Laden was dead. So the next day at MEPS, that's all anyone talked about. The Navy applicants bragged about how it was a SEAL team that killed him. The Marine applicants reminded them that most SEALs are Marines. And the Army and Air Force applicants asked their recruiters if it was too late to change branches. (I kid you guys, that didn't happen. Thank you for your decision to protect our country).

So anyway, I know it's a little late, but happy Armed Forces day everyone!! Be sure to thank your men and women in uniform for all they have sacrificed for you. If your parents or grandparents were in the military, I bet they would love it if you asked them about it and thanked them for their service.

Thank you.

My first comic

Tangerines and Balrog Farts

In case anyone reading this lives under a rock, which is under a bigger rock, I would like to inform you of the horrendous wildfires going on right now in Texas. From what I've understood every single county in Texas is being affected by said fires, except two. The county I live in, which happens to have about three or four fires inside it surrounding the podunk town I live in, seems to be getting the shaft in all this fire business, I was grocery shopping a few days ago, and there was more smoke flying aroundthen on the intro to CSI: Miami, and anytime you walked outside, your nose holes would be invaded by a smell that can only be described by the words Balrog farts. this being said, there was one plus to all this mess, SHADE!!! Never has there been a shadier day other than that time the spartans smarted off to the persians, there was so much smoke, it literally blurred the sun, until it looked like a little tangerine in the sky.

Exhibit A. The Sun

I'm going to put a picture of a Balrog, just because its awesome

"It's so fluffy I'm gonna die" -Agnes

Anthrax Bears

Just kidding, this post in no way involves bears or anthrax. So anyway, Welcome to the blogiest blog of all the blogs in blogland. As my home-bro as perviously stated we haven't ever done this before, so hopefully everyone will like what they read.

I believe introductions are in order.

Welcome to Sentient Toaster, glad you found us. Sentient Toaster is run by me, (Danster) and my brother (Brian). This is our first attempt at blogging, so just bear with us. Oh, and tell all of your friends about us.